It's been awhile and I still haven't really updated but I needed to write tonight. I'm not sure why. Long story short, I've always believed in love, and I've always wanted a long-term relationship, but I've never been sold on marriage. I'm still not. I may have met a man that has changed my mind...who knows? However, I do know this, I'll never need "til death do us part". I'll never need "To you I lawfully wed", but I think one day I need someone to say this to me (I won't lie, I got this from the television:
"With this ring, I give you my heart, and promise that you will never walk alone. May my heart be your shelter and my arms be your home."
I give no fucks that the NYC Housewives said it first. Those words speak to me. I don't need documents, or kids, or even rings...but I want to find someone that will tell me that I will never walk alone.
I bawled like a baby when I heard those words as opposed to traditional wedding vows. No mention of god, or faithfulness, or morality, or threats..just a promise, the most beautiful thing I've ever heard at a wedding. You have my heart so you'll never be alone. My guy should know I feel that way. That's all I want. Take my heart and stay with me, not because you have to but because you want to. No strings or rings attached.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
I'm starting this again
4/24/10 2:29am
I am fairly confident that no one will ever find this so I am going to start keeping my journal online. I haven't updated this for almost 2 years and ALOT has happened since then. But more on that later.
Tonight, I picked up a shift at the bar after working a full day at the office. I am exhausted but not able to sleep due to all of the Red Bull I consumed at the bar to get through my shift in the first place. I made shit money but at least I didn't go out and spend money. Anyway, I'm too frazzled to speak about the last two years but just know this. I've realized that journaling is too therapeutic for me to give up. I'm back.
Love,
Your Favorite Train Wreck
-e-
I am fairly confident that no one will ever find this so I am going to start keeping my journal online. I haven't updated this for almost 2 years and ALOT has happened since then. But more on that later.
Tonight, I picked up a shift at the bar after working a full day at the office. I am exhausted but not able to sleep due to all of the Red Bull I consumed at the bar to get through my shift in the first place. I made shit money but at least I didn't go out and spend money. Anyway, I'm too frazzled to speak about the last two years but just know this. I've realized that journaling is too therapeutic for me to give up. I'm back.
Love,
Your Favorite Train Wreck
-e-
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
A Dance With the Devil
There once was a girl who lost her way. She took a wrong turn somewhere, and the twisted path beneath her became dark and scary. She came to a clearing, and there on the ground, she found her shattered heart. As she began to pick up the pieces, a shadow loomed behind her. She knew what was lurking.
She began to hand the pieces of her heart to the devil as she said, “Here you go. You can hold on to these for now. They are so black and twisted, I’m not sure what to do with them anymore.”
As his clawed fingers curled around what was left of the girl, she felt a familiar calm come over her, and she knew she was falling again.
She began to hand the pieces of her heart to the devil as she said, “Here you go. You can hold on to these for now. They are so black and twisted, I’m not sure what to do with them anymore.”
As his clawed fingers curled around what was left of the girl, she felt a familiar calm come over her, and she knew she was falling again.
Monday, November 17, 2008
you again
Seeing you was very strange. I wish it hadn't happened. Now I'm not sure what to do with these feelings, so I will bottle them up and store them away and ignore them forever. I will pretend they aren't there because I wish that they weren't.
Why did you make me dance with you?
Why did you make me dance with you?
Monday, November 10, 2008
Darkness...
***Editor's Note ***
I'm in the habit of writing my blogs first and posting them later. This creates a conflict of interest for me as this is meant to be an online journal, a diary, an open book. However, I am sensitive to the fact that pretty much only my friends read this. So I am posting the following in the interest of being honest, which I need to be. BUT it's with the note to all those who care about me, that this was written in a melancholy moment and that you don't have to worry about me. I'm fine but I am emotional and this is therapeutic for me, so please rest easy. I am ok; I just need an outlet.
November 2nd, 2008
I'm scared. I'm scared that I can't find happiness within myself. I'm lonely. I'm jealous. I'm sad. I'm bordering on depression. I can't see the bright side anymore. Everything is dark. Everything looks bleak. I hate everything and I don't see a way out. I can't trust myself. I think I might start to repeat old bad habits. I just want this pain to go away.........
Help me.
I'm in the habit of writing my blogs first and posting them later. This creates a conflict of interest for me as this is meant to be an online journal, a diary, an open book. However, I am sensitive to the fact that pretty much only my friends read this. So I am posting the following in the interest of being honest, which I need to be. BUT it's with the note to all those who care about me, that this was written in a melancholy moment and that you don't have to worry about me. I'm fine but I am emotional and this is therapeutic for me, so please rest easy. I am ok; I just need an outlet.
November 2nd, 2008
I'm scared. I'm scared that I can't find happiness within myself. I'm lonely. I'm jealous. I'm sad. I'm bordering on depression. I can't see the bright side anymore. Everything is dark. Everything looks bleak. I hate everything and I don't see a way out. I can't trust myself. I think I might start to repeat old bad habits. I just want this pain to go away.........
Help me.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
OMFG!
Today is election day. This election is probably one of the most important in the last century, but DEFINITELY the most important of my lifetime. I have followed it more closely than I ever have before and it has inspired me to be less apathetic about politics. I think the last 4 years are a testament to what can happen when people my age don't give a fuck.
I am going to try and stay up to find out the results tonight, as I think it will be one of those most historic moments that my kids will ask me about when they're in their 3rd grade social studies class...
"Mama, where were you when the first non-white president of the USA was elected?"
"I was jumping, and dancing, and screaming, and crying all at once. Then I did a shot, because this country finally did something right."
OBAMA 08 FTW!!!!!!!
And VOTE motherfuckers!!!!
I am going to try and stay up to find out the results tonight, as I think it will be one of those most historic moments that my kids will ask me about when they're in their 3rd grade social studies class...
"Mama, where were you when the first non-white president of the USA was elected?"
"I was jumping, and dancing, and screaming, and crying all at once. Then I did a shot, because this country finally did something right."
OBAMA 08 FTW!!!!!!!
And VOTE motherfuckers!!!!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
wtf.......
Well, I just dumped a guy I really liked and one of my best friends is the biggest asshole in the world.
God it's gonna be a long winter, where are the razor blades?
FUCK!
I hate everything, Good night.
-e-
God it's gonna be a long winter, where are the razor blades?
FUCK!
I hate everything, Good night.
-e-
Bye October
Holy shit! This last month went by fast and since I've only posted once this month, I guess I better get at least one more in.
The reason I haven't been posting is simple. I just feel like I have nothing to say, positive or negative. My life seems to be at an unnerving plateau. I am in a rut. I want to be happier than this, but I am happy to say I am not less happy than this. It is just not much fun to feel that my entire life lately can be summed up in one word: "meh."
I don't hate my job, but I don't love it. The relationship that I was so excited about has left me feeling empty, and more alone than when I started it. He's a good guy, but I don't think he's right for me. He doesn't act like it, anyway. I haven't been out of town in almost a year. Not even to the lake, or St. Louis or Branson or anything. My family is the same as always, everyone is healthy and happy, and for that I am grateful, but no news there. My friends are awesome, some are up and some are down, which leaves me in a very "even steven" type of place.
I hate unneccessary drama, but a little spice is what makes life worth living! I am happy that everyone in my life is at least healthy, if not happy, but if someone would come and sweep me off my feet or take me on vacation, or hell just to the goddamn movies, I would ever so appreciate it.
I do have quite a weekend on the horizon though, maybe November will bring some surprises!
-e-
The reason I haven't been posting is simple. I just feel like I have nothing to say, positive or negative. My life seems to be at an unnerving plateau. I am in a rut. I want to be happier than this, but I am happy to say I am not less happy than this. It is just not much fun to feel that my entire life lately can be summed up in one word: "meh."
I don't hate my job, but I don't love it. The relationship that I was so excited about has left me feeling empty, and more alone than when I started it. He's a good guy, but I don't think he's right for me. He doesn't act like it, anyway. I haven't been out of town in almost a year. Not even to the lake, or St. Louis or Branson or anything. My family is the same as always, everyone is healthy and happy, and for that I am grateful, but no news there. My friends are awesome, some are up and some are down, which leaves me in a very "even steven" type of place.
I hate unneccessary drama, but a little spice is what makes life worth living! I am happy that everyone in my life is at least healthy, if not happy, but if someone would come and sweep me off my feet or take me on vacation, or hell just to the goddamn movies, I would ever so appreciate it.
I do have quite a weekend on the horizon though, maybe November will bring some surprises!
-e-
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Looking Back......
October 8th, 2008
A Look Back
As I have been inspired by the fall season, and fellow bloggers, I am forced to take an introspective look at the past year. What has happened in the last 12 months?
FUCK! Let's see. I will start off by saying, this has been one of the hardest and most fun years of my entire life. The juxtaposition of total freedom and total loneliness is one that I will never forget.
I have shown more annual growth only twice in my life than I have in the past year. Once was my 7th year on this planet, when I learned about death, and the other being my 18th year when I moved away from home and discovered how to take care of myself and, more importantly, how to learn from my mistakes.
Being single, and lonely was a new feeling for me. I don't exaggerate how much it meant to me. I needed it so bad. It hurt SO bad but at times, but I wouldn't replace it for the world.
In my last year and whatever months of being alone, I have experienced varying degrees of relationships with:
- sadistic charmer that stole my heart and made me stupid
- scenester(s) with potential that never got beyond the sex
-one night stands that I had to get out of my system
- tryst with traveling rock star
-beautiful girl
and finally......
could it be?!
-a gorgeous, well-adjusted, normal person who seems to actually like me.
What a year.
But that's not all. I know this is primarily a relationship-based blog, but I must mention what else happened to me this year that's neither here nor there.
-I became an (great) aunt for the first time in my adult life (if you don't know, you better ask somebody)
-I learned how to Zumba.
-I got scared of living/working in my own neighborhood.
-I got a raise for the first time since high school.
-I had to deal with my mom possibly selling the house I grew up in.
- I made lots of gay friends! Finally! I love you 'mos!
-I got closer to a relative of mine, who I always wished talked to me more than he did.
-I learned a lot about my mom and my late dad's relationship.
-I heard my mom introduce me, proudly, at a fundraiser to her peers as "her daughter, the graphic designer", pink hair and all. ;) Love you, mommy.
-I'm going to get to vote in the most IMPORTANT election of my lifetime, and possibly in history.
-I made internet friends.
-I've had a standing Sunday brunch date with my entire building for almost a year.
-I've made new friends over Craft Days and photo shoots in the West Bottoms.
I'm sure there's more but isn't there always? Besides, it's only October.
-e-
A Look Back
As I have been inspired by the fall season, and fellow bloggers, I am forced to take an introspective look at the past year. What has happened in the last 12 months?
FUCK! Let's see. I will start off by saying, this has been one of the hardest and most fun years of my entire life. The juxtaposition of total freedom and total loneliness is one that I will never forget.
I have shown more annual growth only twice in my life than I have in the past year. Once was my 7th year on this planet, when I learned about death, and the other being my 18th year when I moved away from home and discovered how to take care of myself and, more importantly, how to learn from my mistakes.
Being single, and lonely was a new feeling for me. I don't exaggerate how much it meant to me. I needed it so bad. It hurt SO bad but at times, but I wouldn't replace it for the world.
In my last year and whatever months of being alone, I have experienced varying degrees of relationships with:
- sadistic charmer that stole my heart and made me stupid
- scenester(s) with potential that never got beyond the sex
-one night stands that I had to get out of my system
- tryst with traveling rock star
-beautiful girl
and finally......
could it be?!
-a gorgeous, well-adjusted, normal person who seems to actually like me.
What a year.
But that's not all. I know this is primarily a relationship-based blog, but I must mention what else happened to me this year that's neither here nor there.
-I became an (great) aunt for the first time in my adult life (if you don't know, you better ask somebody)
-I learned how to Zumba.
-I got scared of living/working in my own neighborhood.
-I got a raise for the first time since high school.
-I had to deal with my mom possibly selling the house I grew up in.
- I made lots of gay friends! Finally! I love you 'mos!
-I got closer to a relative of mine, who I always wished talked to me more than he did.
-I learned a lot about my mom and my late dad's relationship.
-I heard my mom introduce me, proudly, at a fundraiser to her peers as "her daughter, the graphic designer", pink hair and all. ;) Love you, mommy.
-I'm going to get to vote in the most IMPORTANT election of my lifetime, and possibly in history.
-I made internet friends.
-I've had a standing Sunday brunch date with my entire building for almost a year.
-I've made new friends over Craft Days and photo shoots in the West Bottoms.
I'm sure there's more but isn't there always? Besides, it's only October.
-e-
Friday, October 3, 2008
starting over
October 3rd, 2008
It's finally happened. In the most bizarre way, I met him. In the past year and 3 months, I haven't even entertained the thought of a boyfriend.
**Side note- e, I did most certainly DID entertain the thought of having a girlfriend. Girls have never been as threatening as boys are to me. A girl has never broken my heart, which may be why I never let you in enough to be the first. But you're fabulous, you know that.**
That being said, it has hit me like a ton of bricks, this butterfly feeling, and while I only wish to enjoy it, I can't help but have the sinking feeling of a Titanic survivor on their next cruise. Why am I doing this again? It's the scariest thing that I can imagine but it makes me indescribably happy. Like a sky-diver or a mountain-climber, those who give away their hearts are thrill-seekers. It may end up in horrible destruction, but the thought of what could be is so tempting, that you must close your eyes, take the plunge, and hope for the best.
Wish me luck kids, I can't take much more of this. Sigh...........here we go!
-e-
It's finally happened. In the most bizarre way, I met him. In the past year and 3 months, I haven't even entertained the thought of a boyfriend.
**Side note- e, I did most certainly DID entertain the thought of having a girlfriend. Girls have never been as threatening as boys are to me. A girl has never broken my heart, which may be why I never let you in enough to be the first. But you're fabulous, you know that.**
That being said, it has hit me like a ton of bricks, this butterfly feeling, and while I only wish to enjoy it, I can't help but have the sinking feeling of a Titanic survivor on their next cruise. Why am I doing this again? It's the scariest thing that I can imagine but it makes me indescribably happy. Like a sky-diver or a mountain-climber, those who give away their hearts are thrill-seekers. It may end up in horrible destruction, but the thought of what could be is so tempting, that you must close your eyes, take the plunge, and hope for the best.
Wish me luck kids, I can't take much more of this. Sigh...........here we go!
-e-
Monday, September 29, 2008
WTF?!!!!
September, 29, 2008
ANOTHER shooting in Westport! I was with my friend, Sara, at Harry's on Sat. night after I was done working. They called last call, we paid our tabs, and went our separate ways. I got a message from her today that when she went to her car in the Sunfresh parking lot, the SUV next to her opened its sunroof and preceded to fire at the car on the oppposite side of her with a fucking MACHINE GUN!
This is getting ridiculous. I am as careful as I can be when I am out. I never walk alone and I try to be aware if my surroundings. But I can't just stay out of Westport. I WORK there. And this is really starting to freak me out. Please be careful, my friends. And please, say a little prayer to whoever for your girl. I really like being alive.
FUCK.
ANOTHER shooting in Westport! I was with my friend, Sara, at Harry's on Sat. night after I was done working. They called last call, we paid our tabs, and went our separate ways. I got a message from her today that when she went to her car in the Sunfresh parking lot, the SUV next to her opened its sunroof and preceded to fire at the car on the oppposite side of her with a fucking MACHINE GUN!
This is getting ridiculous. I am as careful as I can be when I am out. I never walk alone and I try to be aware if my surroundings. But I can't just stay out of Westport. I WORK there. And this is really starting to freak me out. Please be careful, my friends. And please, say a little prayer to whoever for your girl. I really like being alive.
FUCK.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
B.O.B.
Sept. 24th, 2008
SQUEEEEEEEEAK! That is the high-pitched squeak of a middle school girl with a crush. That's all for now.
SQUEEEEEEEEAK! That is the high-pitched squeak of a middle school girl with a crush. That's all for now.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
up to date
So that's it. From now on, posts will be new and relevant to my current situation. It took me awhile to get the nerve to publicize my thoughts, but this is so goddamn cathardic, I am sure you will be hearing plenty more from this girl. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this. I hope some people can relate. I guess I'm never alone on the internets.
More to come....
-e-
More to come....
-e-
Backlog #4
August,13th 2008
Ok, I think I've FINALLY figured it out. As much as I hate to admit it, the author of "He's Just Not That Into You", has a fucking point. Side note: I don't hate to admit that because I'm some sort of delusional woman. I just think that guy's a douchebag.
Anyway...
There is two sides to every 'game'. In the past 6 weeks, I've been on both sides of this 'game'. The interaction between one interested party and his/her prey takes only two forms. Everything in between is bullshit. The bullshit is perceived as a necessary evil, but once you can recognize it, it is just annoying. Invariably, there is one party more interested than the other. This is just the way life works. Sometimes you are the alpha dog and sometimes you're the whiny little bitch in the corner. Such is the way of the world. However, this is not my point. My point is, once you've been both, you can recognize the characteristics of either party.
You don't have to make excuses to get out of seeing someone you really want to see. Equally, if someone is making excuses to get out of seeing you, you are not the person they would rather be spending time with. It is as simple as this: when you feel that fire, that chemistry, that only rarely comes with meeting someone you really like, there is nothing short of a house fire that will keep you away from that person. Similarly, when someone does not feel that, there is no short list of excuses to refuse the advances of the more enamored party. It's so simple. The chances of you both being equally into each other are so slim, it's no wonder I wander this city alone.
So, to all of those I was clingy to, I apologize. I liked you and I didn't get it. It won't happen again, I've learned my lesson. Not that I ever wanna see you again, that would be embarrassing, but you have helped all my future dates. And to all the people I bullshitted because you were more into me than I was into you, I'm sorry as well. I thought this game was necessary but from now on, I'm not going to waste the time. I either like you or I don't and vice versa, and since relationships never work out anyway, I am done wasting my time feeding or receiving bullshit. Ah... the freedom!
More the next time I learn something. Good night.
Ok, I think I've FINALLY figured it out. As much as I hate to admit it, the author of "He's Just Not That Into You", has a fucking point. Side note: I don't hate to admit that because I'm some sort of delusional woman. I just think that guy's a douchebag.
Anyway...
There is two sides to every 'game'. In the past 6 weeks, I've been on both sides of this 'game'. The interaction between one interested party and his/her prey takes only two forms. Everything in between is bullshit. The bullshit is perceived as a necessary evil, but once you can recognize it, it is just annoying. Invariably, there is one party more interested than the other. This is just the way life works. Sometimes you are the alpha dog and sometimes you're the whiny little bitch in the corner. Such is the way of the world. However, this is not my point. My point is, once you've been both, you can recognize the characteristics of either party.
You don't have to make excuses to get out of seeing someone you really want to see. Equally, if someone is making excuses to get out of seeing you, you are not the person they would rather be spending time with. It is as simple as this: when you feel that fire, that chemistry, that only rarely comes with meeting someone you really like, there is nothing short of a house fire that will keep you away from that person. Similarly, when someone does not feel that, there is no short list of excuses to refuse the advances of the more enamored party. It's so simple. The chances of you both being equally into each other are so slim, it's no wonder I wander this city alone.
So, to all of those I was clingy to, I apologize. I liked you and I didn't get it. It won't happen again, I've learned my lesson. Not that I ever wanna see you again, that would be embarrassing, but you have helped all my future dates. And to all the people I bullshitted because you were more into me than I was into you, I'm sorry as well. I thought this game was necessary but from now on, I'm not going to waste the time. I either like you or I don't and vice versa, and since relationships never work out anyway, I am done wasting my time feeding or receiving bullshit. Ah... the freedom!
More the next time I learn something. Good night.
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