Well, I just dumped a guy I really liked and one of my best friends is the biggest asshole in the world.
God it's gonna be a long winter, where are the razor blades?
FUCK!
I hate everything, Good night.
-e-
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Bye October
Holy shit! This last month went by fast and since I've only posted once this month, I guess I better get at least one more in.
The reason I haven't been posting is simple. I just feel like I have nothing to say, positive or negative. My life seems to be at an unnerving plateau. I am in a rut. I want to be happier than this, but I am happy to say I am not less happy than this. It is just not much fun to feel that my entire life lately can be summed up in one word: "meh."
I don't hate my job, but I don't love it. The relationship that I was so excited about has left me feeling empty, and more alone than when I started it. He's a good guy, but I don't think he's right for me. He doesn't act like it, anyway. I haven't been out of town in almost a year. Not even to the lake, or St. Louis or Branson or anything. My family is the same as always, everyone is healthy and happy, and for that I am grateful, but no news there. My friends are awesome, some are up and some are down, which leaves me in a very "even steven" type of place.
I hate unneccessary drama, but a little spice is what makes life worth living! I am happy that everyone in my life is at least healthy, if not happy, but if someone would come and sweep me off my feet or take me on vacation, or hell just to the goddamn movies, I would ever so appreciate it.
I do have quite a weekend on the horizon though, maybe November will bring some surprises!
-e-
The reason I haven't been posting is simple. I just feel like I have nothing to say, positive or negative. My life seems to be at an unnerving plateau. I am in a rut. I want to be happier than this, but I am happy to say I am not less happy than this. It is just not much fun to feel that my entire life lately can be summed up in one word: "meh."
I don't hate my job, but I don't love it. The relationship that I was so excited about has left me feeling empty, and more alone than when I started it. He's a good guy, but I don't think he's right for me. He doesn't act like it, anyway. I haven't been out of town in almost a year. Not even to the lake, or St. Louis or Branson or anything. My family is the same as always, everyone is healthy and happy, and for that I am grateful, but no news there. My friends are awesome, some are up and some are down, which leaves me in a very "even steven" type of place.
I hate unneccessary drama, but a little spice is what makes life worth living! I am happy that everyone in my life is at least healthy, if not happy, but if someone would come and sweep me off my feet or take me on vacation, or hell just to the goddamn movies, I would ever so appreciate it.
I do have quite a weekend on the horizon though, maybe November will bring some surprises!
-e-
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Looking Back......
October 8th, 2008
A Look Back
As I have been inspired by the fall season, and fellow bloggers, I am forced to take an introspective look at the past year. What has happened in the last 12 months?
FUCK! Let's see. I will start off by saying, this has been one of the hardest and most fun years of my entire life. The juxtaposition of total freedom and total loneliness is one that I will never forget.
I have shown more annual growth only twice in my life than I have in the past year. Once was my 7th year on this planet, when I learned about death, and the other being my 18th year when I moved away from home and discovered how to take care of myself and, more importantly, how to learn from my mistakes.
Being single, and lonely was a new feeling for me. I don't exaggerate how much it meant to me. I needed it so bad. It hurt SO bad but at times, but I wouldn't replace it for the world.
In my last year and whatever months of being alone, I have experienced varying degrees of relationships with:
- sadistic charmer that stole my heart and made me stupid
- scenester(s) with potential that never got beyond the sex
-one night stands that I had to get out of my system
- tryst with traveling rock star
-beautiful girl
and finally......
could it be?!
-a gorgeous, well-adjusted, normal person who seems to actually like me.
What a year.
But that's not all. I know this is primarily a relationship-based blog, but I must mention what else happened to me this year that's neither here nor there.
-I became an (great) aunt for the first time in my adult life (if you don't know, you better ask somebody)
-I learned how to Zumba.
-I got scared of living/working in my own neighborhood.
-I got a raise for the first time since high school.
-I had to deal with my mom possibly selling the house I grew up in.
- I made lots of gay friends! Finally! I love you 'mos!
-I got closer to a relative of mine, who I always wished talked to me more than he did.
-I learned a lot about my mom and my late dad's relationship.
-I heard my mom introduce me, proudly, at a fundraiser to her peers as "her daughter, the graphic designer", pink hair and all. ;) Love you, mommy.
-I'm going to get to vote in the most IMPORTANT election of my lifetime, and possibly in history.
-I made internet friends.
-I've had a standing Sunday brunch date with my entire building for almost a year.
-I've made new friends over Craft Days and photo shoots in the West Bottoms.
I'm sure there's more but isn't there always? Besides, it's only October.
-e-
A Look Back
As I have been inspired by the fall season, and fellow bloggers, I am forced to take an introspective look at the past year. What has happened in the last 12 months?
FUCK! Let's see. I will start off by saying, this has been one of the hardest and most fun years of my entire life. The juxtaposition of total freedom and total loneliness is one that I will never forget.
I have shown more annual growth only twice in my life than I have in the past year. Once was my 7th year on this planet, when I learned about death, and the other being my 18th year when I moved away from home and discovered how to take care of myself and, more importantly, how to learn from my mistakes.
Being single, and lonely was a new feeling for me. I don't exaggerate how much it meant to me. I needed it so bad. It hurt SO bad but at times, but I wouldn't replace it for the world.
In my last year and whatever months of being alone, I have experienced varying degrees of relationships with:
- sadistic charmer that stole my heart and made me stupid
- scenester(s) with potential that never got beyond the sex
-one night stands that I had to get out of my system
- tryst with traveling rock star
-beautiful girl
and finally......
could it be?!
-a gorgeous, well-adjusted, normal person who seems to actually like me.
What a year.
But that's not all. I know this is primarily a relationship-based blog, but I must mention what else happened to me this year that's neither here nor there.
-I became an (great) aunt for the first time in my adult life (if you don't know, you better ask somebody)
-I learned how to Zumba.
-I got scared of living/working in my own neighborhood.
-I got a raise for the first time since high school.
-I had to deal with my mom possibly selling the house I grew up in.
- I made lots of gay friends! Finally! I love you 'mos!
-I got closer to a relative of mine, who I always wished talked to me more than he did.
-I learned a lot about my mom and my late dad's relationship.
-I heard my mom introduce me, proudly, at a fundraiser to her peers as "her daughter, the graphic designer", pink hair and all. ;) Love you, mommy.
-I'm going to get to vote in the most IMPORTANT election of my lifetime, and possibly in history.
-I made internet friends.
-I've had a standing Sunday brunch date with my entire building for almost a year.
-I've made new friends over Craft Days and photo shoots in the West Bottoms.
I'm sure there's more but isn't there always? Besides, it's only October.
-e-
Friday, October 3, 2008
starting over
October 3rd, 2008
It's finally happened. In the most bizarre way, I met him. In the past year and 3 months, I haven't even entertained the thought of a boyfriend.
**Side note- e, I did most certainly DID entertain the thought of having a girlfriend. Girls have never been as threatening as boys are to me. A girl has never broken my heart, which may be why I never let you in enough to be the first. But you're fabulous, you know that.**
That being said, it has hit me like a ton of bricks, this butterfly feeling, and while I only wish to enjoy it, I can't help but have the sinking feeling of a Titanic survivor on their next cruise. Why am I doing this again? It's the scariest thing that I can imagine but it makes me indescribably happy. Like a sky-diver or a mountain-climber, those who give away their hearts are thrill-seekers. It may end up in horrible destruction, but the thought of what could be is so tempting, that you must close your eyes, take the plunge, and hope for the best.
Wish me luck kids, I can't take much more of this. Sigh...........here we go!
-e-
It's finally happened. In the most bizarre way, I met him. In the past year and 3 months, I haven't even entertained the thought of a boyfriend.
**Side note- e, I did most certainly DID entertain the thought of having a girlfriend. Girls have never been as threatening as boys are to me. A girl has never broken my heart, which may be why I never let you in enough to be the first. But you're fabulous, you know that.**
That being said, it has hit me like a ton of bricks, this butterfly feeling, and while I only wish to enjoy it, I can't help but have the sinking feeling of a Titanic survivor on their next cruise. Why am I doing this again? It's the scariest thing that I can imagine but it makes me indescribably happy. Like a sky-diver or a mountain-climber, those who give away their hearts are thrill-seekers. It may end up in horrible destruction, but the thought of what could be is so tempting, that you must close your eyes, take the plunge, and hope for the best.
Wish me luck kids, I can't take much more of this. Sigh...........here we go!
-e-
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